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[Sep29'2013 07:32PM]
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♥comment to be added & i'll definitely add you back♥

I must live to know that healing takes some time.
So no regrets, and no looking back to sinking ships.
I'll strip the gauze for a rational self-analysis.
"I'm down. Cut and bound.
Counting scars, and counting blessings loud."
So loud.

recovery tatt.. FINALLY! [May20'2012 01:10AM]

ignor the scab forming on the very bottom. this was taken two days after i got it done. it looks alot better now!! what do you think? i decided against getting it on my wrist, i'm basically in love with it.

more under the cutCollapse )

ED awareness photoshoot [Feb06'2012 09:53AM]

A couple of months ago i did a photoshoot for eating disorder awareness. it will be on display in simcoe as well as several other photographs of women and men struggling with eating disorders or in recovery. This photo is a low-res version of the original which is larger than a poster, i can't wait to see the show!! Kaja, the photographer, took some of my writings and wrote over the picture i really like the finished product. What do you think??

original versionCollapse )

public post. WHAT RECOVERY IS TO ME. [Aug15'2011 05:30PM]
[ mood | crazy ]

To me recovery is...

waking up in the morning & not having thoughts surround food/weight.
actually getting a decent sleep, when i was in the midst of my ED i was always exhausted but i could never sleep.
having dreams that aren't just about me gorging on food.
not be preoccupied with the next time i can eat or exercise
not having to "punish" myself in a cold shower if my weight fluxuates.
actually not weighing myself at all. or at least not letting whatever number is on the scale ruin my day.
going out for dinner with my family.
ordering a drink and a meal and not worring about calories.
not getting paranoid whether its diet coke or regular, because who cares?
having an after dinner mint!
exercising for fun & realizing my body's strength.
accepting my body at its natural and healthy weight.
making love to my boyfriend and feeling 100% comfortable with him. 
going out with friends and ordering drinks -  & NOT just vodka and diet coke - hell maybe a cosmo or a cesar! 
thinking "i look hot!" in my bikini.
not referring to my stomache as my "cb" (chubby belly)
recognizing my triggers and knowing my boundaries to protect my recovery.
staying away from pro-ed communities.
being happy. plain and simple.

&& more then anything being ME for so long my ED was my identity & the truth is.. i don't want that to be my identity. while in the midst of my ED i was so self concious and depressing to be around and a completely different person. now im fun, happy, loud, energetic, stubborn, & loving lyndsey. i love being the life of a party and being the center of attention haha. i love my boyfriend who has helped me so much in my recovery & i know i deserve this happiness.

now tell me, what's recovery to you?!?!? 


scale smashing babyyyy. [Mar08'2010 04:55PM]
[ mood | bam bam! ]

Image hosting by Photobucket
ohhhhh yesssss!Collapse )

pictures, glasses, art and letter. [Jan21'2010 01:56PM]
[ mood | calm ]

(some art and pictures)Collapse )


picturesssss! as promised. [Jan19'2010 10:45PM]
[ mood | need to poop. ]



i'm homeeee!! [Jan18'2010 07:57PM]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Hi ladies! I'm HOME!

Remuda Ranch quite literally saved my life. I walked in diagnosed with severe anorexia, anxiety, OCD, and severe depression. Going through the treatment was probably the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. i could no longer run from my feelings. i could no longer use my eating disorder to numb out. i went into Remuda pro-recovery, but very unsure about how i was going to recover. at my past treatment very few girls wanted to recover from their EDs, at remuda very few girls DIDN'T want to recover. it was one of the most positive, encouraging, supportive places i have ever been to.

My first few weeks were very very hard. I was so horrible home sick. I had daily anxiety attacks, crying spells and feelings that i could never POSSIBLY get through the program. Yet here i am, 60 days later feel like a completely changed person. i'm happy again! i'm at MY healthy weight and most mornings i can look at myself and think i look good, unlike when i was so consumed by my ED. RR, dispite my ED thoughts did not make me fat at all. At 102 lbs 5'2 i doubt many HEALTHY non-EDed people would, right? When i was at remuda i stayed on maintenance meal plans and did weight gain at night through my feeding tube. it was one of the hardest and best decisions i made during my stay. I FINALLY I GOT MY PERIOD BACK! Dr. Grant told me i might never be able to have kids, already being diagnosed with osteoporosis and having lost my period for two years, but i did and i'm glad.

I made some of the best friends i will ever have. It was so hard to leave them. I went in crying to remuda but i left crying too. Although some days i felt as if i had been there forever, it went by very fast! i'm so happy i decided to put my all into recovery. i haven't felt so happy, calm, excited, positive and FREE in a long time.

I'm going to miss my therapist Mike and my art therapist Tamilin and my horsey Shortstop. i will have to post some pictures later for y'all ( hehe something i picked up ) because i look soooo hot in my cowboy boots! haha.

Thank you SO much to everyone who wrote me, i barely got a chance to write any of you back because i was just so crazy busy with program and therapy everyday. i was praying for you all of course.

I love you all very much thank you for being so amazing. i will post pictures soon!

this story's old but it goes on & on until we disappear. [Jun24'2008 01:01AM]

I'm deleting my account in 24 hours. 
Ty found it this morning and found out about the coke use and purging.
But i'm not deleting it because of that...
the truth is, i need to move on from this. 
I love you all to death but i gotta go. 
I need to work on myself and my relationships,
 and that means being open and honest with the ones closest to me.
not coming on here and hiding things from them. 
i have already worked on starting a new account and will add those of you who would like to be on there...
but i will not be adding anyone who's journal is SPECIFICALLY for their ED/Recovery, nor will i join any ED/Recovery-communities.
I know this might sound weird to some of you but i want a life outside of this. 
If we have been close for along time (you know who you are), emailed eachother or are on facebook, etc.
youll more then likely be added to the new account.
Thank you for all your help over the past four years.. it's time for me to get on with my life.
I love you all more then words could ever say.


read this in regards to recovery... [Jun16'2008 09:49PM]

 it's not just people with good or near perfect bodies who are likely to equate it with who they are. 
You can just as easily identify with a "problematic" body and make the body's imperfections, illness or disability into your identity. 
You may then think and speak of yourself as a "sufferer"of this or that chronic illness or disability. 
You recieve a great deal of attention from doctors and others who constantly confirm to you your conceptual identity as a sufferer or a patient. 
You then unconsciously cling to the illness because it has become the most important part of who you percieve yourself to be.
It has become another thought form with which the ego can identify. 
Once the ego has found an identity, it does not want to let go.
Amazingly but not infrequently, the ego in search of a stronger indentity can and does create illnesses in order to strenghen itself through them.

Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on to them

A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle


Just a heads up: [Jun05'2008 07:11PM]
 I put six of what i think to be my most insipiring entries regarding recovery, this is partly for me to read when i am struggling but i hope it helps some of you. The entries go back to 2006 right after i got out of Remuda Ranch. I debated putting in some entries when i was in the midst of my ED as well as the full story of my overdose but i decided to keep it positive. If anyone wants to read through those old (very boring, depressing and ed-ish) entries be my guest. I thought for awhile about deleting them but i think its good to see how far i've come. & how i never want to be as sick mentally and physically as i was before treatment. xo

highlight of my LIFE [Apr14'2008 10:33PM]
[ mood | AMAZING!! ]

Dear Lyndsey,

Thank you so much for your kind words, and for telling me your story. It's amazing how much we all seem to have in common, down to that awful voice in our head telling us insane lies, like we weren't sick "enough," didn't deserve the help we got, yadda yadda yadda--you were more than sick enough, as we all were, and you deserve all the help and all the life that lies before you. And yes, the thoughts do fade away with time, and with the daily effort to find a new way of life and thinking about the world and yourself. I wish you the very best--I'm in
tonight, and thinking of you.

Be well,
Marya Hornbacher

ahhhhh the title of the letter i sent her said "the 41095840th letter you will recieve about how amazing you are" i CANNOT believe she wrote me back. *dies a little*


list, easter, ED ranting. [Mar24'2008 06:42PM]
[ mood | confused ]

Things to look forward to (in order of occurance):
1. Pub night this wednesday!!
2. Finally being done placement 200+ hours fuckkkk.
3. Being done second semesters/exams
4. Warmer weather, i hatehatehate snow.
5. Going to Florida with the fam and Ty.
6. Mine and Ty's two year anniversary! Hopefully spending the weekend in Toronto together, going up  the CN tower and whatnot.
7. My 20th birthday. ughhh goodbye youth.
8. Ty's 20th birthday
9. Actually working again and not being broke as hell.
10. Swimming in my pool.
11. Going camping and to beaches!
12. Shopping trip with momma bear. i'm treating myself to a coach purse or maybe dior sunglasses hmmm.

How was everyone's easter? My mom yelled down at me and Tyler yesterday morning "The easter bunny doesn't come if your hungover!!" and we certainly were. Ty was in worse  condition though, poor boy was out of commission and didn't even eat his big easter dinner! And if you knew ty like i do you would know he LOVES food. He's practically a bottomless pit. Sometimes he'll make me dinner like tonight and i always end up with the hugest portions of everything, i'm like baby i can't eat all this! but i ended up eating all the lasagna tonight i was starving. 

Has anyone been watching bb9 this season?? I'm not super into the people on it but i still watch.. basically because natty is the stupidest/funniest person to watch ever. "YOU ARE DONE D-U-N"  or when she thought there was 27 letters in the alphabet. it brought the lulz i must say. 

I have been thinking about Remuda Ranch alot lately... it's so weird to think i was there over two years ago now. I can close my eyes and picture everything. Every detail. I miss it so much it hurts sometimes.. i miss how safe i felt while in treatment... it's tough being out in the real world you know? Some days my ed tries to tell me you know if you got sick again you could go back! every problem you have could be blamed on the eating disorder. No one would expect anything from little anorexic Lyndsey... not like now, your "recovered" now and people want you to be perfect, you have to be inspirational all the time.. dont you just want to give up and feel in control again like you used to? don't you miss the feeling of emptiness you always had? How numb you felt all the time? For god sake you MUST miss actually being close to thin. Not that 79lbs was thin for you.... you were never really THAT sick anyways, but you could be.....

UGHHHH. i hate those thoughts. fuck you you fucking bitch. i'm way to strong to let THAT control ME again. I'm still small.... but i'm feisty as hell and girls know not to fuck with me. in the midst of my ED i was so weak and would let people walk all over me and let anything they said affect me. I'm never ever going back to that, i hated the person i was then. And i know that i can get through this i just have to realize that those thoughts aren't rational. And i don't need my anorexia to blame any of my problems on.. i can talk to Ty, to my parents, to Dr. B i know that. i wasn't the sickest anorexic alive but i WAS sick and truthfully without treatment i can honestly say that i would not be here today. At the age of 16 i had accepted the fact that i could never recovery and i would eventually die from my disorder. How fucked is that to be 16 years old and ready to give up on life? I know now that i was strong enough to get through that. i WAS strong enough to get my body to a healthy weight and AM strong enough to maintain that by eating NORMALLY. i know i can do this i just gotta keep talking to myself and not letting the bitch talk to me. xoooo


who put the benezedrine in mrs. murphy's ovaltine?! [Jan16'2008 11:17AM]
[ mood | tired ]

Has anyone actually ever tried ovaltine? the thought of it kind of repulses me... i think it would remind me too much of the good ol' boost/ensure/breakfast anytime days. *Puke* even those were horrible. i had to freeze my boost and eat it with a spoon. mmm mmm good /end of sarcasm. for now.

ewww, now all i can smell is boost somehow, what the shit is this?!?!

So anywayssss, i'm bored beyond belief and i have a two hour break between classes and no friends. :[

The past few days haven't been to eventful but i'll write about them because i have nothing else to do. You really don't have to read this... well this weekend was my first in months that i didn't go out or get hammered, it was really dull other then taking Ty up to emergency. poor boy was puking up blood and coffee grind vomit it wasn't fun. Then saturday we went back to my place for home made pizza with the fam and to watch the football game?? don't ask me why we're more of hockey fans in my house... i really have no clue what's going on in football. both days i went to my feild placement at Versa Care. it's a retirement home for seniors... i thought i was going to hate it but it's okay. I run a tea and discussion group with a few residents. mostly i just visit around, chill with the old folk, play bingo and drink wayyyy to much tea.

speaking of which i just finished my third cup from tim hortons... time for a refilllll! i love you, caffine. no seriously, without you i would probably die and nap for a week straight. i love you too, naps. 

yes i've always been this lame. 

I get a free pizza lunch today woooo. its funny to think back not to long ago that a pizza lunch would send me into a fit of hysteria and i would need to run 12 mile to calm down. ya pizza isn't the healthiest thing for you but fuckkk it's yummy and i can have it as a treat once in awhile dammit! i posted a rather positive comment on 
 i thought i would shareeeee.....

I consider myself to be mostly recovered. I still have slip ups but i'm pretty sure i will for awhile, and i'm okay with that.

for the most part i follow my hunger cues yes, sometimes during holidays i'll exceed what i would usually consider to be "full" but every NORMAL person does that, don't you think?

some days i get down on myself if i feel i haven't ate healthy enough or over indulged but for the most part my weight doesn't bugde. hell, i went to jamaica to an all inclusive hotel - all you can eat and drink and my weight stayed exactly the same!! i was so shocked!

I am currently at my healthy weight (101-104lbs for 5'2") that i was discharged from Remuda Ranch at. Most days i am okay with the weight i am at and i still hear that i am too skinny from alot of people. My boyfriend wants me to gain at least 5 pounds (he likes the "juicer" girls haha something to grab onto i guess ;)....) anyways i hope i helped you out somehow and my comment wasn't entirely useless!

<3 Linzi.

p.s also i remember being at Remuda very underweight and never experiencing hunger when i entered treatment. After a couple of weeks of being on normal nutrition i remember one morning my stomahce growling, i was actually hungry!! it was the weirdest sensation but i was happy because it was easier to eat once i knew my body needed the food.

I don't think i developed normal hunger cues until i came out of RR as i had a feeding tube at night for my weight gain nutrition (i was on a regular diet during the day) which kind of screwed up my body being fed constantly throughout the night. I am happy now i decided to get the tube though because it taught me how to eat *NORMALLY* and not over eat which i was so worried about. Somehow in my mind i thought if i was on a weight gain diet my body would always depend on that and i would never stop gaining weight. Obviously an eating disorder thought but none the less, it helped me to know that YES i can eat three meals a day and some snacks and maintain my weight! who knew?!

okay i'll stop this never ending comment.

wooooo! sorry if this entry put everyone to sleep. KLUVYABAYBEEEEE XOXOX


Jamaica baby! [Jan08'2008 09:31PM]
[ mood | complacent ]

We don't drink & drive, we smoke & fly!!Collapse )

"not now chief i'm in the fuckin zone" [Dec12'2007 06:38PM]

5 exams done, 2 to go.
I just want this fucking semester over, dammit! 
I've been a little ball of stress this past week, 
i'm on a constant caffine high, chain-smoking, red wine at night, thank you.
i havent blazed in like three days though which is a record for me i'm sure. 

i ate so much bailys cheese cake & had a mini-panic attack that i would gain 20 lbs.
But i lost weight? WTF. oh wellllll, just won't tell ty that i suppose.
i haven't been to therapy in almost 6 months.
I used to go twice a week!
i really want to go over the christmas break; i've just been SO busy with school and work and LIFE.
i'm not complaining though.

I'm not sure if i'm intentionally restricting or not.
Some days i feel like i eat normally, other days other people seem to think i don't eat enough.
I'm honestly not meaning too... but EDs a tricky little bitch like that. 
sucks you back in when you least expect it.
i'm still at a healthy weight at least i think, anyone know? 5'2" 100 - 103lbs
(for twooooooo years now, which makes me both happy and sad)

I LEAVE FOR JAMAICA IN 19 DAYS!!!!! its just me and ty going i cannot wait!

** can you guys leave me some book reccomendations? i want to do some reading over the break. 
I just finished Gaining by Aimee Lui - AMAZINGGG! everyone should def. read it!


[Nov18'2007 06:49PM]

Soooooo. November 19th.
Tomorrow will be two years since i was admitted to Remuda Ranch in Arizona.
Two years since my low weight.
I feel kind of sad but i'm not sure why.
I miss it. Honestly. 
I miss being sick enough to need treatment.
How fucked is that?

My family and I were all talking about it at dinner tonight.
My horsie, shortstop - the smallest, slowest horse on the ranch.
All my best friends, who i swore to see again, and haven't.
My therapist Mike who i couldnt bring myself to write knowing he wouldnt be able to write me back.
All the songs we sang "Sagebrush girls are mighty fine, cuz we eat from 6 to 9!
All new visitors beware, cause we have long leg hair
Monitors we call for them, when we have a big B.M
Victory is what we call when we stink up the stall - sagebrush break it dowwwn!"
HAHAHAHA i actually wrote that with a couple friends while i was there
apparently the girls still sing it that made me happy.

My weight was 101 @ 5'2" yesterday bmi 18.5 
I can live with it, i guess.
I weigh to much to be considered "sick" again
but its still not my ideal body weight according to what i was released at RR from
&& what my doctor at home said.
Whatever ill probably put on 9581347964 pounds over winter because my body cant handle the COLD

Wanna see my cuteee toga, we went to a toga party on Friday

more under the cutCollapse )


look at meeeeee im an attention whore. [Oct16'2007 06:17PM]
[ mood | content ]




ban pro-ana bullshit communities!! [Aug09'2007 07:31PM]
[ mood | crazy ]

Sign the petition that has been going all around LJ http://thevelvetsun.livejournal.com/248185.html

i can't believe how much controversey there is surrounding this topic.
hanacandi posted this link on the ed_ucate community and there seemed to be and uproar.
people talking complete BULLSHIT about "freedom of speech" and "needing a support system"
ummm..... we're talking about groups of people ENCOURAGING eachother to starve themselves.
people praising dangerous weight loss and extremely unhealthy bmi's and stats.
i remember once being a member of several of these groups, im sad to say.
they did NOTHING to help me or my recovery
& often would trigger me.
so anyways, sign it. or don't.

......pro-ana, haha shit's weak

p.s BB8 if eric goes home i'll cry.


medical marijuana [Aug03'2007 11:09PM]
[ mood | sore ]

i wish i lived in california so i could get medical marijuana for anorexia and anxiety.



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